if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
