I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
