I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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