farters have to be the big spoon...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
