I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
