I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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