Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
