you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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