I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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