Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Green mimosas i think yes
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
