I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
