Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
