life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
