sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
