How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
