When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
