we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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