Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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