i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
