and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
