i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
