I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think I sprained my soul last night
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
