So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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