I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
