I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
