If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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