Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
