Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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