I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
