I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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