I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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