so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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