The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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