Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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