Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
