I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
