im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
