After last night, I could never be a politician.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
