chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
