Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
