he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
