Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
