Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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