I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
