Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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