Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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