You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
