guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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