The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
