alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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